Ask Uncle Randy

Randy McHarrrd is an experienced individual.

He is the club’s resident pro poker player. His areas of expertise
include relationships, sports (not badminton it’s not a sport),
politics, the track (trots, mutts or thoroughbreds) and all areas
requiring public comment.

So whether it’s one of life’s big issues, or just a matter of picking
red or black, if you have a question, uncle Randy has the answer.

Send your questions to Randy via email (randymchard@gmail.com),
Facebook or Twitter (@RandyMcHard) and Uncle Randy will get back
to you as soon as he's placed his next bet on those "little horses".

  

Created by: twitter website widget

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Shoutsy                                 Sept 12, 2013

If I were to die and go to heaven and happen to run into Colonel Sanders, the
obvious question I would ask him “what pies ya got!?”


Previously, he wouldn’t be able to provide me with such a culinary delight, until
now.


I introduce…..the KFC Zinger Pie! I was intrigued to read of this new item on
the Colonel’s menu and would like you to ask the resident WSCC food critic for
his thoughts.

 

Uncle Randy                           Sept 12, 2013

Dear Mr Hansel, I perish the thought of your passing (when this time does
come, I can only assume that it will be from self-inflicted ear drum damage).
When you eventually do see TheColonel, you should ask to get in on his
weekly poker game with St Peter and Richard Milhous Nixon.

I am pleased to see that KFC are continuing their ‘antagonize the health lobby
for free publicity’ policy. I look forward to the outraged article from the
Dieticians Association of WA in The West Australian. Unfortunately the
DAWA have no jurisdiction in the afterlife. This is possibly why they discourage
the consumption of many products that send people to the afterlife early.

I would suggest that consuming one of these pies would be about as safe as
taking part in the Essendon Airports Football Club supplements program. The
‘meat’ in pies is generously described as utility grade at best. Then we need to
take into account the particular animals we’re talking about here. You see,
KFC’s secret herbs and spices actually refer to the hormones given to the
chickens to make them grow like a ‘tomato plant’ in a Nimbin hydroponics house.
This is a magic potion cooked up by individuals that make Stephen Dank look like
a Nobel Ethical Chemistry winner.

Still, none of this appears to have prevented the club food critic from giving the new
pies a thorough review. I called him to ask his opinion but his response was severly
muffled due to him having a mouthful at the time. When I called his secretary, she
informed me that Mr Nuzzles was out of the office because "last night he drank nine 
(out of date) dark and stormys and had headed down to see his old friend for some
recovery pastries". The club is currently negotiating with our culinary expert to bring
back the highly regarded Dinner Date with Dave series. Based on current form, the
first issue will report some very in-depth research.

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Most successful colts captain at WS                          March 5, 2013

 

Since his departure from Western Suburbs Henry “Little Red” Dawson has managed to keep up his annoyance of many burbs members. It started off with cheeky comments whenever the Australian cricket team loses a match but has escalated to constant facebook invites to night club parties near Leeds university (who knows how he got into any form of tertiary educational facility).

Many surburbs members have shown their disgust of these actions by banning event invites and even deleting him as a friend. What are your thoughts on the matter and Dawsons conduct?


Uncle Randy                            March 6, 2013

The pimple certainly has been prominent recently. He appears to have engaged in some fairly standard moontan behaviours. After years in the wilderness the English have now perked up like a 15 year old school boy that just peered through a crack in the window to the girls changing rooms. I suppose this was to be expected after their frustrating dry spell but it is disappointing to see the fervour with which individuals from other skin pigmentally challenged countries have jumped on board. There is no excuse for Turncoat Oliver Hanson.
 

Regarding the Parties, I have received many an invite myself. It is difficult to see how an event at Spaceship Nightclub in Leeds has any relevance to the residents of Perth, Western Australia. I can only assume that Henry has taken up employment with this establishment as its pimp. Alternatively, this may be part of the latest South African England and Wales Cricket Board recruitment policy. Under this scheme, Henry lures Australians to the aforementioned den of iniquity with the promise of endless nightlife, merriment, and ‘right proper talent guvnor’. After plying his victim with rat poison English booze, Henry then sends them home with a piece of the local ‘talent’ who the next morning turns out to be a vitamin B12 deficient female resembling Merv Hughes. The Aussie attempts to make a stealthy exit from the country but is confronted by Henry who blackmails him with the threat of making last night’s liaison known to the public. Under this threat, the Aussie is forced to take the Pieterson/Strauss/Trott/ Shah/Greig Oath of Allegiance and is now part of jolly old cosmopolitan team ‘England’. With a spate of South African retirements on the horizon, the ECB has been forced to invest in a number of talent ‘development’ programs. Henry is now a valued recruitment officer.


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 Slam Dunk                       Nov 29, 2011

Dear Uncle Randy, there appears significant confusion and controversy currently around the selection of cordial.
 
Uncle Randy                    Nov 30, 2011
What confusion? I hear you chose bannana cordial and were correctly panned (and fined) for it.
 
Slam Dunk
Some players swear by lemon and barley, although I hear that lawn bowlers sprinkle Metamucil into their lemon and barley cordial. Is there a correlation to a fondness in bland flavoured cordial and the amber nectar in a red can?
 
Uncle Randy
Red can originated around the Meekatharra region where manly flavours are required in response to the harsh climate (see the post below). Similarly lemon barley was developed by cricket legend W.G. Grace on his 1873-74 tour to Australia to combat the extreme temperatures that his players were not accustomed to.
 
Slam Dunk
But what of the more exotic choices which have recently resulted in strong performances, e.g., cola and the orange, mango and banana variety?
 
Uncle Randy
Exotic? The cordial mentioned here tasted of nothing but lower primate food, and knowing this you brought your own personal supply of non-bannana cordial. I am informed that on Saturday November 12 Sid Norish provided Pine Lime cordial. Pine lime is a solid choice, as witnessed by the 2nd XI's total of 360. Here's what century maker Pete Ryan (pictured) says about pine lime cordial: "Pine lime got me to 100, it can get you there too. How many Gallons do you do?"


                                              Pine Lime Pete


Unfortunately the next week someone got stuck in a store dedicated to 6 year old children and chose cola. As a result the opposition were 2 for 150 and nearly threatened our total.
 
Slam Dunk
Your advice in which flavour should be the choice of champions is sought.
 
Uncle Randy

I'd suggest you blokes get back on the straight and narrow and stick to the basics. Strictly citrus flavours: 2 parts cordial concentrate, 17 parts water, 5 parts ice. Insert into one regulation esky-type cooling box with wheels.


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WSCC Melbourne correspondent              5th Oct, 2011

 
Uncle Randy, I’ve heard reports of numerous pre-season eating challenges taking place between WSCC members.
 
Can you outline the results and benefits (if any) of this training that the players will take into the season ahead?
 
Randy McHard                     17th Oct, 2011
 
There are a few aspects to this which need to be outlined. In March Mr P attempted to complete the McDonalds burger menu and failed (see below). This was the trigger for several competitive eating events. On May 21st, 3 musketeers (or stooges depending on your perspective) attempted individual challenges which drew a lot of attention. Mr P, and David Petrocertificateich attempted to eat their height (apparently 6ft) in subway. Mavis (now our esteemed president) set himself the task of 24 boiled eggs. All challenges were to be completed in the time it took Freo to belt Port Adelaide.
 
At half time Dave pulled the pin on 3ft. He rolled around on the floor like a wounded Pumbaa. Mr P got to 5ft by three quarter time but was unable to consume further solids. In an act of desperation he blended his last sub (chicken teriyaki) with a little milk. Alas, it would not go down, and a gallant effort ended in failure. Mavis was on track until, with 15 minutes and 3 more eggs to go, involuntary bulimia set in and he regurgitated about 16 boiled eggs into Mrs P's garden (this patch of soil is now very fertile). One pundit commented that at least he didn't die of cholesterol. However as pointed out by Lenny from the Simpsons "While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human blood stream".
 
By August the challenges had taken a Scandinavian flavor. At Smaugustboard, Certificate was to consume a whole Miss Mauds princess cake, and Mavis 100 oysters. Neither of them were ever really in the hunt. David decided he didn't really like green marzipan, and Mavis (who turned up so hung over he was the same colour as Dave's cake) ate 4 doz and then pulled out so prematurely he made Chris Vom Vernon look like a stayer in bed.
 
Clearly this particularly special brand of idiocy has some benefits for the local economy. Also, events like this teach the individuals involved discipline and the importance of ignoring bodily warning signs. These guys provided inspiration to the club as a whole and will hopefully drive others to set the bar high.


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George W Kendall           Oct 10, 2011
Dear Uncle Randy, over the weekends rugby, which result did you enjoy more, the Wallabies beating South Africa, or the Poms being sent packing by France?
 
Randy McHard     Oct 11, 2011
Dubya, it was quite the weekend. In one half you had the southern powers pitted against each other, and in the other two of the pastiest all-moontan matches in world cup quarter final history (not counting any southern Frenchies who may have passed out in the sun at some time after too much sem sauv blanc). On Saturday Australians turned on their TV sets and with mild interest hoped the Welsh might cause an upset. Ireland, no doubt still wading through the Guinness-induced fog brought on by their victory over Australia, staggered around a bit and then hit the canvass. Then at about 3.30 (WST) our interest got a bit more serious. "Noonan on you Redcoat". The distraction call was not needed. Les Bleus turned up in the mood, and twenty minutes in Martin Johnson's forehead resembled an accordion. Johnson may have hoped that Little Johnny would do world rugby another Northern Hemisphere style disservice and keep his anemics in it, but his "thoroughbred" appeared to have a bad bout of colic. Eventually Johnny was taken out the back of the veterinary service and when 80 minutes were up everyone who dislikes grinding, penalty searching rugby celebrated.
On Sunday the real stuff started. The Aussies pinched a try and a 3 pointer to start and then for 60 minutes tried their best to loose. Unfortunately for the Boks, several of their backliners forgot that prior to putting the ball over the line you must not pass it forwards. After 70 minutes man mountain Radike Samo was tunneled in a line out and the match winning kick was duly pumped straight over the bar. Somehow we clung on and it was Bundy's all round. In the last match it would have been nice to see the Pumas eye gouge their way to a win but alas the standard All Black choke will have to wait another week.
It's tempting to say that the Pommy loss was the best, but I think Sunday's win takes the chocolates.
 
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Mr T                     March 9, 2011

 

After losing a bet last night, a good friend of mine, lets call him 'Mr P' had to attempt to consume every burger of the McDonalds menu in one sitting. As such Mr P attempted to eat the following: Grand Angus, Mighty Angus, Angus Mushroom & Cheese, Grand Chicken, Chicken Bacon Deluxe, Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, Double Quarter Pounder, Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger, Hamburger, McChicken & finally, Filet-O-Fish. I witnessed roughly 9 of the said burgers being consumed, however I have it on good authority that his gastric system reached a point of no return and began purging its self as it reached its limit, several burgers short of its arranged quantity. Whilst undoubtedly, some of these are tasty morsels, I can’t help but wonder what type of damage such a binge could cause ones health? Should I be contacting some kind of medical professional to assist my friend or is there something else you could suggest?

 

 

Randy McHard          March 11, 2011

 

I’ve done a bit of investigating in this matter and the most surprising thing is that ‘Mr P’ isn’t Mr David Petricevic. Evidently David has contracted a bad case of engagementitis and is under strict orders from his soon to be head mistress not to take part in any tuxedo expanding consumption. I’m glad to see that the real Mr P has stepped up to fill the void. I don’t think that Mr P needs a medical practitioner. I think he needs a coach and sports scientist. In recent years the sport of competitive eating has…err… expanded significantly. The International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) organizes a series of events for elite gustatory athletes [1]. The ‘normal’ stomach is a muscular sack which can expand to approximately 4L in volume [2]. Scientific studies have shown that McDonalds burgers are on average 450ml in volume. Doing the maths on Mr P’s effort shows you that after about 9.5 burgers he reached his 4L maximum. Although this was a plucky effort from a fresh faced novice, this sort of performance will not cut the mustard at the elite level. If Mr P is to reach his potential on the IFOCE circuit he is going to need some serious stomach capacity training, guided by the right support team and modern scientific evidence. This typically involves consuming large amounts of raw yeast followed by warm water to achieve an incubation effect. I believe that if Mr P knuckles down and applies the 3 D’s (discipline, determination, and digestion) he can have a long and fulfilling career.

 

 

References

 

1.         Levine, M.S., et al., Competitive Speed Eating: Truth and Consequences. American Journal of Roentgenology, 2007. 189(3): p. 681-686.

2.         http://hypertextbook.com/facts/2000/JonathanCheng.shtml.

 

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Chris Vomit Vernon             February 2, 2011
Another Tuesday saw another strongly contested poker night. As I’m sure you are aware, Mavis was sent packing to Broadway after Vom (I like to refer to myself in the 3rd person) pulled a queen on the river to hit 2 pairs. My question to you is why does a pizza retrieved by Mavis taste so much more satisfying than a pizza got by Dave Princessivic?

Uncle Randy                  February 6, 2011

Well my pasty young bulimic its time to take a trip down the evolutionary science lane. The scarcity principle holds that humans have evolved to desire things that are rare. Men in jail desire women, people in England desire skin pigment, and New Zealanders desire a rugby world cup semi final that doesn’t end with the All Black coach saying “the world cup isn’t that important”. Over the last few months you have been conditioned to expect that David Petrocertificatich will be out first and therefore collecting the pizza. Dave’s ‘unlucky streak’ means that even the bloke at Broadway Pizza recognizes ‘Tuesday night Dave’ now. As a result, your brain knows that Dave pizzas are common, average, or even ‘village’ level goods. In contrast, Mavis pizzas are rare, exotic, and have a certain sparkle that entices you in like an enchanting musk. This is why last Tuesday was such an exciting and unique event for you. One that you will remember and cherish forever.

 
Fat Penguin                     February 9, 2011
 
In relation to Chris Vomit Vernon's recent question about the 'Mavis' pizza, I noticed he mentioned 'pulling a queen'. Having had the 'pleasure' of socialising with him, it appears 'pulling a queen' is not an unusual occurrence for young Vom. Why is it that he takes such pleasure in pulling a queen when there are so many better options readily available at the Hipp-e Club?

Uncle Randy                          February 9, 2011

The Hipp-e Club’s intoxicating mix of luminous paint, pulsating tempo and local walking delicacies produces some strange happenings. Some go hunting for wildebeest, others regurgitate after being drunk under the table by females, and then there are those travelers who take the alternative... err… route. His use of the phrase ‘pull a queen’ may be the inner or true Vom trying to express his deepest urges. He keeps it hidden in a closet but occasionally it comes out through such Freudian slips and the wearing of certain outfits.
 


Richard (Reginalt) Vom Vernon         February 10, 2011  
   
Sir, if the above mentioned ‘Vom’, the ace Queen puller, returns to the sunshine of Perth for next season, should he bring his own hot pants and tight fitting lycra vests this time or just borrow then from Mavis again?
     
  
Uncle Randy                             February 16, 2011

Dear Reggie, I’m glad to see you are concerned about your son. We certainly are. I spoke to Mavis yesterday and he informs me that as per this year the following items will be made available to young Vomit: One regulation sparkling blue G-string, one pair of Kylie Minogue ride up hot pants, one regulation Methodist Ladies College year 9 school uniform acquired from Simon Daly, and one skin tight lycra Noddy costume. These will be made available on the condition that the queen puller limits his take away food consumption to 3 meals per week so that he does not stretch Mavis’ clothes with his currently expanding waist line.


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Adrian                  February 8, 2011

What are your views on giving a team-mate out LBW when there are no paid umpires? I’m sure news would’ve reached you that our esteemed president triggered young S.F Davis when in sight of triple figures in the 5th grade fixture at the weekend. Also, is it morally wrong for the “umpire” in question to then join in on the post-wicket celebrations?

 

 

Uncle Randy           February 9, 2011

 

Mmmm, a deep moral question Mr Betts. Decisions like these need to be made on a team-mate-by-team mate basis. With regard to our commander in chief firing Salt n' Pepper Sam there are a few aspects to consider:

 

1. Given the state that President Kandalls is usually in on Saturdays I’m not surprised he pulled the trigger. You see, every Friday he gets off work early with his stock broker mates, starts on beer, moves onto more flammable stuff, and then ends up rolling around on Thomas street before some unfortunate taxi carts him home via the local McDonalds or Kernal Fried Chicken. On Saturday morning he staggers out of bed, sucks down a good Litre of home made expresso, meaning that when he gets to cricket he has a particularly twitchy case of caffeine-induced Tourette’s syndrome. A man in this condition could hardly be expected to resist the urge.

 

2. Samuel Davis has a high rate of LBW dismissals this season in 5th grade as seen here. Lets face it, “He asked for it your honour” is an acceptable defense.

 

3. Celebrating with the opposition is a bit off. It reminds me of the judges in Texas who sentence men to death and then view the execution as a chance to have a few beers with their mates while watching a publicly ordered BBQ.

 

4. I’m not sure that ‘Young Sam’ actually was ‘in sight of triple figures’. It depends on who’s eye sight you are using. I doubt given his vintage that his eye sight to see from 80 to 100.

 

All in all I’m comfortable with the officiating at College Park West on Saturday Feb 5, 2011.

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OK Tigers, time for a classic tale. The older folk among us may remember the 80s and 90s English bowler Gladstone Small who was famous for having no neck. For those wiper snappers out there here is a picture of him.


                     Gladstone Small

Anyway, in the early 90s Gladstone and his English team mates headed off to the West Indies where they undoubtedly copped a severe beating from Viv, Curtly and Richie ‘the hat’ Richardson. One night at a local restaurant a member of the touring party ordered the turtle soup. About an hour passed and the soup hadn’t appeared so enquiries were made. The chef came out and explained that the turtle had pulled its’ head and flippers inside its’ shell and thus could not be decapitated. English tour manager M. J. K. Smith (an experienced man in the field of proctology) said that he had a solution. He entered the kitchen, licked his finger, and then entered the unfortunate reptile in the manner made famous by John Hopoate. Not used to this sort of treatment in the open sea, the turtle panicked and popped its’ head out. The chef wielded his cleaver and soup flowed shortly after. Amazed by what had just happened, the chef turned to Smith and asked how he had known what to do? Smith replied, “that’s what we do to Gladstone Small when we need him to wear a neck tie”.

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    Oliver Hanson                        Saturday November 21st, 2.15am.
 
WHAT PIES YOU GOT?!?
 
 
Uncle Randy                             Nov 22nd                              
 
Dear Mr Hanson, generally it is best not approach someone and unexpectedly shout random questions at them.
 
 
 
 

     Oliver Hanson                       Nov 23rd
 
Please outline the array of meat filled pastries you have available for sale.
 
 
 
Uncle Randy                              Nov, 24th
 
Thank you for using your inside voice. Unfortunately the commercial arm of WSCC (Carrrn Productions inc.©) is involved in the holding of social functions and the sale of assorted beverages (and occasionally BBQ poultry), but does not sell pastry parcels containing gravy, cows’ ears and raccoon. These can be obtained at most tea-break feeding sessions when playing for the club.
 
 
 

   Oliver Hanson                            Nov 25th, 3.10 am
 
BLUE POWERADE?!?
 
 

Uncle Randy                                Nov 26th
 
Carrrn Productions inc.© has previously stocked sports drinks. If you would like this to happen again you need only fill out the appropriate request form.
 
 
 
 

     Oliver Hanson                            Nov 27th
 
SEE YA LATER FELLAS!



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Confused constituent                 August 28, 2010
 
How is it that 2 clubs, so close geographically can be so vastly different on the 'good bloke ometer'? This seems even stranger when one considers that the 'below par blokes club', actually get their members from a suburb that is completely surrounded by suburbs where the 'good blokes club' sources their members. So as to not specifically mention names, i have simplified the matter. Club 'S' gets is players from suburb 'S', and are amongst the worst quality blokes you would ever meet. Club 'GT' gets is players from suburbs 'MP', 'PG', 'C', 'D', 'Mt C', 'N', 'Cr', 'SP', 'K', 'D', 'J' and 'Su' all of which surround suburb 'S', yet they produce top quality blokes who do not resort to below average bahaviour?
 
 
Uncle Randy                           September 1, 2010
 
Gather around my confused young friends and let Randy tell you a tale. Many a year ago there were 3 tribes: CN, SP and S. SP were a friendly inner city tribe of families. CN were a large young tribe of merry makers. S were a small nasty tribe who stayed strong only by paying people pieces of silver to join them temporarily. But one day S’s pieces of silver ran out and so they became weak. S tried to get CN to join them, but because S contained bloated red-bearded individuals, CN decided to join with SP. Together they formed the largest tribe of all: the GT tribe, taking in members from the villages of MP, PG, C, D, Mt C, N, Cr, SP, K, D, J and Su. The GT tribe held many great feasts, where local delicacies were drunk. One day the GT tribe were pitted against the S tribe in a battle for honour. The GT tribe performed well on day one of the contest. Because he feared defeat, on day two the S tribe’s leader ordered his troops to run away, bringing much shame to his people. Today the S tribe clings to existence in shadows of the GT tribe which surrounds it.

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Angry Anne                               August 17, 2010

Dear Mr Randy McHard my boyfriend has a terrible case of red-can-itis. Is there a cure for this horrible affliction? Please help!

 

Uncle Randy                             August 20, 2010

Anne it is good to hear that your male friend is embracing our cultural heritage and getting on the mothers’ milk that is Emu Export. The clean light yellow lager was first launched in 1954 by the Swan Brewery. It originated around the Meekatharra region and quickly spread throughout WA to become one of our most popular, manly beers. It is one of Australia's bread and butter lagers providing a clean, fresh taste with a watered body building up to a malt crescendo with a strong bitter finish. This is a beer that you don't have to think about, parse or dissect, just drink. It's an easy beer, like when you go to the movies and you just want to see something by Warner Brothers rather than the latest David Finch expose on the intricate workings on the existentialist dichotomy of the human mind. Emu Export is a medium bittered and full bodied beer with a crisp clean taste perfect for the west's hot, dry climate. You are a lucky lady to have found such a culturally sensitive man.

 

Dim Tim                                    August 22, 2010

Hello Anne, this is a common problem among Australian males, and is always a sign of only one of the below;

1) He is a staunch Liberal voter and is concerned the wrong party may be in power for another term.

2) He is a homosexual in denial (no judgement and we should encourage everyone to express themselves).

3) He is having no success at his chosen sport or in the bedroom with the ladies.

In any case, I hope you and your boyfriend can resolve your issue, and both move forward to the more fiscally responsible and flavoursome recession beating refreshment otherwise known as Emu Bitter.

 

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Quietly Spoken Gentleman                     August 8, 2010 

A certain WSCC left arm slow medium swing bowler (photo attached) recently travelled to Las Vegas in search of free money at the various casinos. Little did he know there was no free money available, in fact, it would cost him lots and lots of his own money to visit the establishments.

My question is; did said WSCC member consult you for advice on poker and mind game strategies prior to his trip? 

I'm guessing not, or else he would have cleaned up.

 

Uncle Randy                               August 12, 2010 

We’ve all thought about heading off to Nevada for some free money and it sounds like the lure of the bright lights finally got the better of Western Suburbs’ very own Deadly Derrick Underwood. Unfortunately I was not contacted by the Dexter impersonator and thus was unable to provide him with critical advice that may have stopped him from donating a Rolls Royce worth of cash to some shady local. However, your tale of a young fella heading off to the Mekkah reminds me of a mate of mine who did so at about the same age.  

My mate Jimmy ‘Stilton’ Cheeseright jumped on a plane for Vagas with his missus who was quite the looker. At the time I privately questioned the wisdom of taking a female with him but it later transpired he knew what he was doing.  

After racking up a few profits against various American pensioners who were keen to blindly throw away their U.S tax payer dollars on the poker tables, Stilton acquired tickets to the hottest event in town; a large scale cock fighting meet. He was experienced in similarly vigorous events, and his time spent around the blood sport rings of South East Asia meant he had a keen eye for talented poultry. He easily picked the first couple of winners and was then challenged to a head to head bet on the 3rd by a 5 ft 4 inch millionaire from Utah. Seemingly under the influence, Stilton picked the roughie and his pigmy opponent instantly upped the amount of the bet. Stilton did not have the cash, and so was forced to offer up his wife as collateral to cover the amount. This is standard practise under the Nevada Gamming Commission act of 1876, section 8 (c). Stilton’s chook was demolished in less time than Paul Briggs and so the midget from Utah pocketed a bit of cash and the now ex Mrs Cheeseright. 

It appeared Stilton was a big loser, but he later told me that he and the missus had been playing Vatican roulette and his number had finally come up. A couple of months later when Stilton was safely home he received and refused a request for a paternity test from a Utah lab. He has never paid a cent of alimony and has since made a fortune organising honey stings for politicians who are running against ‘family values’ candidates. 

As my old man used to say: “The more you bet, the more you win”.

 

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Captain Clint                                       February 21, 2010

 

This season along with another well known captain, I have been out of form at the toss. Can you give any suggestions as to the best call. Heads or Tails? I hear arguments for both but I want this sorted out once and for all.

I’m looking forward to any advice you can offer.

 

Uncle Randy

This is an important issue Clint particularly given that we play at Rosalie where you do not want to be batting second because the patented Rosalie Roller comes out regularly on the second week and it is LBW central. You particularly don’t want to be batting second at Rosalie when you are chasing 243. If in this position you should consider getting the game called off so you can have 4 points. Also, if you keep losing the toss your team mates will (quite rightfully) fine you heavily for repeatedly getting such a basic skill wrong.

This will be controversial but I’m going to go with Heads. As an alternative tactic you could always use a ploy favoured by former Pakistan captain Javed Miandad. Following a series of losses at the toss, instead of calling “Heads” or “Tails” in English, Javed decided that while the coin was in the air he would jabba on in his native Pakistani tongue, which off course none of the opposition captain, umpires or assembled TV commentators could understand. After very briefly inspecting which way the coin landed Javed then switched to English (which he spoke very proficiently) and announced “we’ll bat”. Unfortunately for Javed the umpire on hand was the rather officious Harold Dickie Bird who in his own semi-audible Yorkshire/ Matt Tyers style went on an extensive rant and then finally ruled that the toss would be re-taken and that Javed must call in English. Despite Javed’s lack of success I still believe this is an underutilised tactic and something you should definitely consider.   

 

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Uncle Randy                        January 11, 2010

Club geriatric Sam Davis has lost his baggy green. It has his first grade cap number 31 on the side. If anyone has accidentally picked up the wrong one, or knows where Sam may have misplaced it, could you please let him know as his disgruntled ramblings are beginning to disturb his family and anyone within a 200m radius of him. A reward of one cold Red Can will be paid to whoever returns the cap.

 

Jack                                      January 13, 2010

 

During the first game of the summer I was rummaging through one of the pockets of my kit bag for my cap. I found one which I believed to be mine. Instinctively I placed it on my not so hairy bonce. Something didn’t feel right about this “baggy green” though.  I smelt it. I scratched tapped at it.  I looked at it again and was convinced that it couldn’t possibly be mine on account of its mint nick  and that poxy Nathan Hauritz peak that it had going against it.

 

On a closer inspection I noticed a number 31. I thought to myself, “Blessed it be the Great Whizz that this may be a sign from the footy gods that a number 31 will lead us from the wilderness to our deserved glory next year!!!”:

 

31 Aaron Sandilands

 

 

…. Nah. He’s an East Freo boy so I’ll  have to remain patient!

 

So I made some discreet enquiries as to the possible owner of this cap, hoping hope of all hopes that it actually belonged to the real McCoy 31 – Hayden North of the mighty fighting Premiers from the South Fremantle Bulldogs.  I was crestfallen to discover that the rightful owner was not he!

 

So here I have that baggy green cap, with its peak neatly tucked in, snot & sweat free, for the Club geriatric to reclaim what is rightfully his.

 

-          Jack Da Silva

 

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Fat Penguin                                          November 2, 2009

 

Dear Uncle Randy, I ma an avid reader of ‘urban dictionary’ and on perusing it today, I found a new term that may be of some interest. Please see the attached link.

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=badgering

 

Badgering: Cricket. Lowest form of batting known to man (or woman). Generally exhibited by batsmen who lack the ability to actually play shots and whom often have chicken like legs.

 

Mavis is really badgering again today, he sure is making watching the grass grow look like a good option!

 

How is it that a player in your club who clearly fits this definition, got a gig, and by the looks of it cost your club their opening Twenty 20 fixture?

 

 

Uncle Randy

 

Penguin, it’s good to see you taking an interest in literary items which have actual words in them instead of those magazines you usually “read” with one flipper until the pages get too sticky. Regarding The Badger: I, along with The Badger himself, have been calling for him to be axed from the twenty20 team since its inception. I believe this has finally happened and The Badger will be strictly confined to (a) managing the Carrrn Bar and Tentland (b) cooking chicken (unless Chris Cullen is there) and (c) loud clapping and “Noonaning”. I think the problem The Badger has had in the Twenty20s is that they are played on a Sunday. He is a deeply religious man and is reluctant to commit properly when he feels he should be observing the Sabbath by consuming the Swan Brewery’s holly water (Spirita Dubbya Ay).

 

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4 Aces                                     October 28, 2009

Dear Sir,

I'm writing to you to seek advice for a problem a friend of mine is currently having. I am aware that you once were like us working for the man in the rat race before you got your break on the world poker circuit and I feel your insight would be extremely helpful. My friend and I gather regularly with a bunch of rubbish blokes for a couple of hours of good old-fashioned poker night fun, but recently my friends form has slipped away dramatically. Ever since he took up a job at Broadway Pizza in the past fortnight as a delivery driver, his poker has not been the same! Have you ever had a similar problem in your career when your day to day work has compromised your poker and what advice can you give me to forward onto him?

Thank you for your time


Uncle Randy

Hmmm... your friend, lets hypothetically call him “Dave” certainly seems to be having a few issues. It reminds me of a dilemma a female friend of mine I used to know back when I was bouncing around on the Kalgoorlie Pro Poker League. She was employed on the main street corner in Kalgoorlie. She had a keen streak for the cards and could really handle her drinks (not the light stuff). But when the miners came into town and she was err.... flat on her back at work she used to be so sore from the “poke her”  table that when she limped up to the poker table her form was as limp as a well serviced customer. In order to perk herself up she increased her intake of creamy fishy proteins which fortunately in her line of work she had a steady supply of. “Dave” may need to make a few lifestyle changes to source such proteins but I’m sure his housemate would be very accommodating. If not there’s always the self serve option.

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Pim VerBeek                                                    October 16, 2009

 

Dear Uncle Randy, how is it that the same person can hold both the first grade BMI award as well as the first grade duck? Is his rapidly growing gut causing a balance problem, or is there some other explanation for the correlation between the form slump and weight gain?

 

 

Uncle Randy

 

This is interesting Pim, although not unique, I believe at least one other fast food junky has held both at once. Your theory is certainly a plausible one, although its difficult to tell which is the cause and which is the effect, a case of the duck and the egg if you will. It could, as you say, be that his trunkle inflation has caused various physical problems (e.g lack of balance, inability to swing arms or back problems usually found in large breasted women) and these have led to a reduction in ability to get off the mark. Of course it could also be that a lack of runs has produce “captain grumpy syndrome” and the need to comfort eat fundraising chocolates melted over ice-cream while snuggling with housemates and watching shitty foxtel in said housemate’s bed. Well, each to their own I suppose.

 

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Anonymous (i.e Dave Petrocertificateich)                      October 16, 2009

 

Dear Randy, it has come to my attention that there seems to be a lot of Older, Better brothers down at the WSCC these days?

 

Why do you think this is?

 

 

Uncle Randy

 

This is a good point certificate and I’m glad to see you’re keeping yourself in good, sharp, observant shape. The phenomena you’ve noticed was first documented in the 1950’s by the biological psychologist Noam Chomsky. He then published his first wave theory which subsequently received extensive empirical support. Basically each breeding couple has only a set number of decent quality genes to pass on to offspring. They load up all the good genes in the first kid, leaving each subsequent little tacka with progressively more dregsy genes. It’s even been found to occur in twins where the second one out is second best for years to come.

 

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President Nandos                         March 16, 2009

 

Dear Uncle Randy, following a controversial cricket season, and occasionally bowling pies at Rosalie.  I have found through excess Nandos and Fast Food, that my arm will not bend past 47 degrees.  Is the colesterol / BMI complex creating this? Or am I finally going to be able to turn one next year?

Please help!

 

Uncle Randy

This is a common enough problem among those who frequently purchase more than $20 worth of goods from chicken joints. It’s not just costly at the counter either, your team mates regularly fine you for having the highest BMI. On the up side it’s hard for you to be called for throwing given that your now swollen joints aren’t really capable of straightening. Obviously all the drive threw has had a bit of a swelling/ joining effect on your upper digits. Perhaps if you had your flipper-like limbs separated into fingers you may be able to turn one.

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Uncle Randy                   March 15, 2009

 

 

Well Tiger’s fans we’re into the post season. 1st grade avoided relegation, and four teams will host semi finals. The 8’s are looking to complete the 1 and 2-day double, and the youngsters in 1-day-A will try to end the recent run of finals outs.

Around this time of the year I like to acknowledge special contributions from the season that is about to end. This year the two blokes who I’d like to highlight are Damien Gay (not sure what team he plays for) and Fat Bogan. Although messages from these two have not been publishable their special efforts really need to be acknowledged.

Damien, your ballsyness in sending anonymous emails has been obvious. The constructive nature of your correspondence should also be noted. You have provided inspiration to the 1st graders and your input on selection issues has been great. The club really appreciates your contribution.  

Fat Bogan, what a guy. Your open mindedness and tolerance points to you being a high quality 1st grade human being. It’s good to see you taking an interest in 1st grade WASTCA clubs. I really appreciate receiving intellectual comments from members of the public with a BMI similar to that of their IQ.  There’s nothing 2nd grade about you.

Good luck to the teams in the finals, congratulations to Abrose on the Gibbney win and well done to everyone involved in drinking the club out of red can. Carrrrn.

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An Uninfected (to date) local citizen              Feb 17, 2009

 

As a local resident I am worried about the recent outbreak of ingrown arse hairs by certain members of your club. I would appreciate you consulting a medical practitioner and advising on issues such as;

·         Are they contagious?

·         How are they caught?

·         Are they hereditary, ie do they run through family genes?

 

 

Uncle Randy

 

Obviously you spend a lot of time probing the topic as this is the second time you’ve asked me about this. I’ve been in close contact with the club’s proctologist. They definitely do not run in families however they can be caught. Identifying the early warning signs is critical. Such signs include the tendency to excessively add or subtract ingredients from pizza toppings, and the presence of convex, flipper-like hands. Also note that a high BMI is a risk factor.

 

If such symptoms are identified the individual should instantly be “prescribed” a 12 times 375ml dosage of any products carrying this symbol:

 

 

 

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Local Import                         January 19, 2009

 

Hi Randy, I have trouble accepting decisions because I'm always not out. Can you please help me to know what to do when I am given out as my bat now looks like a piece of chopped firewood thanks to a pavilion.

 

 

Uncle Randy

 

Import, this is a developmental phase we all go through before we reach adulthood. We’ve all felt the need to throw a few dummies and/ or bats around at times, and who hasn’t fallen victim to a poorly placed pavilion once or twice. Perhaps a little polly filler will have the weapon back in shape.

 

That said, the judiciary don’t seem to take a positive view of batsmen using the local infrastructure to convert willow into kindling. Perhaps a bit of comfort drinking might be in order. Alternatively you could wait till you get home and take it out on your housemate. To violence against peacocks Australia says “yes”.

                   

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A concerned and disgusted citizen               Dec 18, 2008
 
There seems to have been an epidemic of ingrown arse hairs in your club in recent years. How do you think this happened, what are the potential remedies and has the club taken any action to prevent this going forward?

Uncle Randy
 
It was a few years ago now that the epidemic peaked. I think one individual may have infected the rest during a session of “team bonding”. As you will recall there was a lot of “team spirit” that year. The club has taken steps, one individual has since been removed from the country and another has been sent to ninth (quarantine) grade. There is still another that the club is working on but his general frailty and constant calf stretching mean he is only in one week, out three.

 

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Jane, Mt Claremont              Dec 8, 2008

 

Randy, my boyfriend is more interested in eating Nando’s chicken than spending time with me. And since the stock market crashed he keeps rabbiting on about me needing to love him instead of just using his bank account to buy battery operated toys. What should I do?

 

Uncle Randy

 

Jane, the first thing you need to do is have him deposed as president of WSCC. Second, I think a health scare surrounding Nando’s would be in your interest. If I was you I’d give Today Tonight or ACA a call regarding the contents of the “special sauce”. Third, the toys are a hard one and you’re obviously a little frustrated. Perhaps with Christmas coming up you should drop a few hints about needing an electric toothbrush. It won’t be perfect but it should tide you over till the market picks up.

 

 

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